TELLING YOUR STORY IS TIRING

Ever realise that when you start to talk about the things that cause you anxiety, you GET ANXIETY? It’s so obvious, I know. But it’s a slippery slope. And it is utterly, exhausting.

I met today with one of the senior members of my new team. It was an informal chat, in an informal environment. They asked about my background, my experiences in international development and what prompted me to come home. I decided to be candid and honest. So I told them a lot of my story – what I’ve been through, how I dealt with stress, how I was exhausted and how I decided to come home to Canada to heal.

This person had one of those natural qualities where somehow I just kind of opened up, completely. Without even noticing, my body language changed. My pulse started racing, I started to speak at a quicker pace, with the pain behind my words being evident. They even commented “you can relax, what a time, it’s ok.”

And it was ok. I was safe, I was fine. I felt comfortable. I talked about why I’m ready to come back to work and how excited the new job makes me feel. They were happy that I shared, as they felt connected and understood what I can bring to the role. Turns out, trauma and anxiety really can help you relate to people.

But after the conversation, I was spent. I had to come straight home, and sit with a coffee and just chill. I still feel like my pulse is racing, and it’s been 3 hours. Turns out that talking about international development triggers anxiety for me.

However, the best part of the meeting was what they said to me:

“when you break, you must heal. Only when you heal will you find the strength to rise up. And rise up you will, stronger for it. Those who have had some of the biggest impacts on this world are those who felt lost and broken, who overcame adversity and truly found their voice.”

So here I am, resting my voice. I don’t think it’s healthy to dive into the past, as it upsets me all over again. I can’t decide if that means I’m not dealing with it, or and moving on past it, accepting that what happened is over, so I can take another step forward.

I want to find that strength to be inspired again by helping others, to feel a greater sense of purpose. Maybe it will come back, maybe it won’t. But for now, I must heal.

You get me?

Much love,

Ella

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